voodooo
"Ye Olde Porn Queen" mark II
Registered: 04-2003
Location: Here, there and everywhere
Posts: 2137
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Classic quotes
"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
Author Unknown.
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield.
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.
"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson.
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen.
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen.
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez.
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
A Mum.
Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the
people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists
who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was a classic. Schwartzkopf said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."
---
SAW IT... WANTED IT... HAD A FIT... GOT IT!!
Think first, everyone you meet is fighting their own tough battle too.
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
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4/May/03, 12:35
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voodooo
"Ye Olde Porn Queen" mark II
Registered: 04-2003
Location: Here, there and everywhere
Posts: 2137
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Re: Classic quotes
Advice for expectant dads....Things Not To Say During Childbirth....
-- Y�know, looking at her, you�d never guess that Demi Moore had a baby!
-- Gosh, you�re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- You don�t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You�re not using the right words.
-- Your stomach still looks like there�s another one in there.
-- You don�t have the guts to pull that trigger.
---
SAW IT... WANTED IT... HAD A FIT... GOT IT!!
Think first, everyone you meet is fighting their own tough battle too.
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
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5/May/03, 16:51
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voodooo
"Ye Olde Porn Queen" mark II
Registered: 04-2003
Location: Here, there and everywhere
Posts: 2137
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Re: Classic quotes
Things to Never Say to a Woman During an Argument
1. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
2. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
3. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
4. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
5. You are so cute when you get mad.
6. You're just upset because your bottom is beginning to spread.
7. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
8. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
9. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of !@#$ flakes this morning!
10.Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
---
SAW IT... WANTED IT... HAD A FIT... GOT IT!!
Think first, everyone you meet is fighting their own tough battle too.
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
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5/May/03, 17:08
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Kazz
Dictator.
Registered: 04-2003
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1114
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Re: Classic quotes
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree
:shake:
---
Laugh at yourself.
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6/May/03, 8:26
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