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"Ye Olde Porn Queen" mark II

Registered: 04-2003
Location: Here, there and everywhere
Posts: 2137
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Irish Jokes


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little !@#$, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

=======================================
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

======================================
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

=========================================

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..

" The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

===========================================

AND THE BEST FOR LAST:

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles,"ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

---
SAW IT... WANTED IT... HAD A FIT... GOT IT!!

Think first, everyone you meet is fighting their own tough battle too.

Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
8/May/03, 10:49 Link to this post Send Email to voodooo   Send PM to voodooo Blog
 
Kazz Profile
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Dictator.

Registered: 04-2003
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1114
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Re: Irish Jokes


3 irishmnen sitting in a bar talking about their teenage daughters.
one says....I was cleaning up my daughters bedroom the other day and what do you think I found under her bed?......an empty packet of cigarettes!
I didn't even know she smokes!

Second irishman says.....you think that's bad....I was cleanig up my daughters bedroom the other day and I found an empty bottle of vodka under her bed.....I didn't know she drank!!

Third irishman says....you think THAT'S BAD?
I was cleaning up my daughters bedroom only yesterday and under HER bed I found a condom!!!.......
I didn't even know she had a PENIS!

---
 
Laugh at yourself.
8/May/03, 16:56 Link to this post Send Email to Kazz   Send PM to Kazz MSN
 


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